Bella DePaulo loves being single. What she doesn’t love is the widespread cultural bias against unmarried adults. In her book,
Singled Out, she exposes and debunks the myths of singledom with fearless arguments, data and humor.
How do you describe your work?
"As a myth-busting, consciousness-raising, research-grounded, and totally unapologetic take on single life."
What three adjectives best describe you? "Focused. Unconventional. A thinker."
Cats, dogs, birds … describe your pets? "I don’t have any pets, but everywhere I’ve lived, I’ve had visiting pets – typically cats – who discover my place and enjoy sunning themselves just outside my door."
Favorite season? "Summer, hands-down. Especially now that I live out here in this California climate where it is almost never too hot."
Name a city you’d love to visit. Why? "My favorite places to visit are not cities but islands. If it were not for wanting to see family and friends who live elsewhere, I’d be happy if every vacation were an island vacation."
What’s the best thing about being single? "Being able to pursue the life that is most meaningful to me. My favorite example is what happened to me when I moved out here to Santa Barbara, California from the East Coast for what was supposed to be a one-year sabbatical. I loved it so much that I wanted to stay. I also wanted to commit myself to pursuing my work on singles as close to full time as possible. So instead of having a full-time university job, as I had for more than 20-years, I wanted to earn enough to pay the bills, then spend the rest of my time reading, researching, and writing about singles. Giving up a job with tenure to do that was a big financial risk. It was a risk I would have been hesitant to impose on someone else, even if I had a spouse who was supportive. But to take that risk myself to pursue what I was passionate about – that was fine. Exciting, even."
Describe your ideal “Girls’ Night Out.” "When I was living in Virginia, a group of women used to get together on Sunday nights and watch a semi-trashy TV show. (For a while, it was The Practice.) We’d share food (always including chocolate), drink, and conversation before and after."
What’s the nicest thing a friend (or friends) have done for you? "I so love it when a friend marks an occasion that is not a standard one but is especially significant to me. When my book Singled Out was first published, that was such a big deal to me. I poured my soul into it. So when one friend sent me flowers and another hosted a book party for me, I was so touched that I cried."
What do you do for “Bella time"? "There are so many things I love to do. I find great pleasure in hiking, walking the beaches, browsing the farmers’ markets, and cooking. I also love reading novels but I’m totally undisciplined – if I start one and it’s really good, I don’t want to do anything else until I finish it. So I try to save my novel-reading times for holidays and such when I don’t have other pressing deadlines."
What’s the best advice you ever received? "Let me narrow that down to advice about writing. Someone – and unfortunately, I no longer remember who – once told me that if you are having trouble writing, you are probably not sure what you want to say. I think of that every time I’m feeling frustrated, and it almost always works to step back and try to think some more about the point I’m trying to make or the story I’m trying to tell."
What quality do you admire most in a man? "I don’t think I’d name just one. I like men who are good at connecting in ways that are not just superficial, who are thoughtful and not boxed in by conventional wisdom, who have a sense of humor, who don’t stand on formalities, and are not full of themselves."
What quality do you admire most in a woman? "I don’t think I’d name just one. I like men who are good at connecting in ways that are not just superficial, who are thoughtful and not boxed in by conventional wisdom, who have a sense of humor, who don’t stand on formalities, and are not full of themselves."
Who are your real life heroes? "One of my current favorites is MSNBC host, Rachel Maddow. She is so brilliant, so articulate, so deeply knowledgeable. She is amazing at getting to the crux of complex political issues, and she engages without shouting, even when her guest is someone with whom she completely disagrees. Sometimes she sets up a segment of her show and the first thing she asks her guest is, “Did I get that right?” That takes confidence and a real respect for fairness. She can also be really funny.
I guess I could add that Barack Obama is a real life hero of mine – for his brilliance; his cool in the face of so many problems, disappointments, and challenges; his openness to a wide range of perspectives; his literary sensibilities and so much more."
What is your guilty pleasure? "Eating whatever I want whenever I want. I love lots of good-for-you foods such as almost all fruits, as well as vegetables that are prepared delectably. But I love my sweets, too – especially if they include dark chocolate. A dash of salty is always welcome as well."
What is your biggest fear? "I'm not a person who spends a lot of time feeling fearful. I know there are things that would be horribly frightening, such as the serious illness of any person I’m close to, or myself, for that matter. But I had to think hard to come up with an answer to this question, so I guess I don’t obsess about it."
If you could change one thing in your past, what would it be? "I've had some very difficult times in my life. The thing is, though, that I love where I’ve ended up. I’m in a gorgeous part of the country, with a fantastic climate, pursuing work that is so meaningful to me, without anyone telling me what to do or how to live. So if I changed one thing, even a bad thing, maybe other things would have changed, too, and I would not have ended up where I am now. I would, though, like to erase things I’ve said or done that deeply pained others; I probably don’t even realize all of them."
Other than your own talents, what talent would you most like to have?
"This doesn’t seem like a grand enough answer to fit the question, but I’d like to have more stamina. There are so many amazing hiking trails around here, in which the views become even more spectacular the higher you climb, but I can’t make it nearly as far as I would like."
What is your motto? Or what words do you live by? "I don’t have a motto. I do, though, try to look at emotion as a sign of meaning. I’ve noticed, for example, that some people react very strongly – and negatively – to single people who like their single lives. (And I don’t mean just me.) That always makes me wonder, “What’s that about,” and helps me to think about things in a deeper way than if I just responded directly to the negativity."
Singled Out is available in our store.
More Inspiration...
Melanie Fiona
Singer. Songwriter.
